I am 40. I weigh 180 pounds. I'm not especially strong and the vigor I have isn't boyish. Watching football, all I see is traumatic brain injury and torn ligaments. I read books on teaching, service, and personal sacrifice. I will run again (after the surgery has healed), and I've given up firing guns, knowing I lack the capacity to kill another human. At night I step barefoot on Lego's and wince, wishing to live in a world with fewer missiles, acid ray guns, and swords. I look at butterflies and think of my age. Am I perpetually the chrysalis? I'm not the stereotype of the man. The aggression I feel is directed inwards. The battles all seem to be fought inside.